We Own You

"The government is out of control."  Chances are if you live in this country and aren't comatose, you've heard someone say something like this recently.  It seems like everybody whose anybody just has to bitch about the state of government and how it's ruining all our lives.  It's more fashionable than ever to label yourself either "libertarian" or the even more pretentious term "pro-liberty."  And while I find a good deal of the "Don't Tread on Me" crowd to be the snooty hipsters of the political world, they have valid points.  Government is corrupt.  Government is toxic.  Government does do stupid things.

My problem with this sort of attitude is that it's just what a certain group of people in this country want to hear.  They get a real kick out of seeing honest working class people, elderly people, and idealistic young people railing against corruption in Washington.  It fills them with all the joy that a brand new Flesh Light does any adult male on Christmas morning.  They love it because it takes the attention off them.  Of course the group I'm referring to is the 100% honest, never corrupt, always dependable BIG BUSINESS. 

Sure politicians in Washington at the moment are possibly more inept than they've ever been.  Government agencies waste millions of dollars a year on needless and sometimes shady endeavors.  But what is the goal of government?  No matter how short it falls on a daily basis, the goal of the United States government is basically to make life better for the people.  The goal for big business is profit.  I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking I've over-simplified the matter.  Yes.  Yes I have, and thank you for noticing.  I've done that because it's that simple.  Big Business has never and will never give a fuck about an ordinary citizen if he or she is interfering with the bottom line.  Period, end of story.  

So the next time you feel compelled to shout about how the government is destroying the country, keep in mind that we are moving closer to Corporate Statism than we are Socialism.  If you don't believe me, take a look around the mall.  Better yet just take a look into Mitt Romney's soulless eyes.

Is It Just Me?

Maybe this post is just an excuse for me to talk about my deep and unabashed love for 90's Nickelodeon, but I'd like to think there's a little more to it than that.

Every generation sings the same tired song. Movies were better made when they were young, music had more soul when they were growing up, their pot was way better than the shit kids smoke today. Every generation seems to enjoy boasting about how much better it was back then while simultaneously raining on the parade of anyone younger than them. While relatively harmless, it can be more than a little annoying to hear from older people how great the 1950s were. There's always the "Well that's because you were white, asshole" comment on the tip of your tongue.

There is one thing, however, that I will not apologize for being ageist about, and that's my belief that children's television programming just has taken a significant turn for the worst over the past fifteen years.

Now I'm not going to sit here and claim that I watch a ton of current children's programming, but every once in awhile I'll stumble across something on Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel. I watched an entire episode of Wizards of Waverly Place with my girlfriend a few weeks back for some unknown reason. While far from an expert, it's not difficult to see why the shows of my youth were so much better. It's not because I grew up with them, it's because they were more intelligently written, they had adult themes, and they didn't talk down to us!

Think about some of the shows on Nickelodeon from 1991-1998. Salute Your Shorts, Pete and Pete, Rocko's Modern Life, Hey Arnold, Rugrats. What do all these shows have in common? THEY CHALLENGED AUTHORITY! Salute Your Shorts was a show about young teens trying to outwit a semi-fascist camp counselor. Pete and Pete was about two odd brothers living in a suburban town and was set to an early 90's indie rock soundtrack. Rocko's Modern Life was a few f-bombs away from being a show on "Adult Swim." Hey Arnold was about inner-city kids who lived more like street kids from the 1940's than the 1990's, and Rugrats was a show centered around a rebel baby who led his faithful followers against the tyranny of bedtimes, potty training, and his own sadistic cousin. That's some heavy shit!

What do we have today? We have shows about wizard families who all love each other. We have shows about pop stars who have secret identities. We have ICarly. I really don't think it's me romanticizing my youth here. I think maybe these shows just suck.

Look, there are other important lessons to teach kids besides just challenging authority. Dignity, respect for others, and simple kindness are all well and good. But would it hurt to throw a little badassness into the pot? I think not.

One Giant Surprise

Where do I begin with this team? By now we all know the story. A typical mediocre Giants team was on its way to another subpar season. The coach was already being replaced with Bill Cowher and their defensive coordinator was going to be shown the door the moment the clock expired in week 17. Then Eli Manning threw a pass to Victor Cruz from the end zone. It was just enough for a first down. Victor Cruz made the catch. Then in one beautiful split second he decided enough was enough. This was an explosive team and he was going to prove it. He somehow dodged two Jets and sped down the sideline as noted fat fuck Rex Ryan watched in disbelief. The Giants had been awakened.

Total domination of Dallas, Atlanta, and even Green Bay followed. Then it was San Francisco. I watched that game with the kind of nervous tension that I usually reserve for November Yankee baseball. Slowly but surely I began to think that maybe this team wasn't destined to go to Indianapolis. It was a good run and I was proud of them. Then we were blessed enough to be introduced to MVP Kyle Williams.

I have confidence about Sunday but I am anything but cocky about it. I hear so many Giants fans already making plans for the parade. Please stop. Don't fuck this up.

As I'm sure you can guess this post is not an attempt to scientifically analyze the Giants' improbable run. It's more of a love letter. This run has been one of the most exciting rides I've ever experienced in sports. It's filled the tri-state area with excitement. I even salute the fair-weather Giants fans that have come out of the woodwork. Let's all enjoy this and not judge! What's more, let's all be grateful we're not Jet fans.

Whatever happens tomorrow, I will be proud of this team and grateful for the fun they brought to my life during a difficult time. That being said, they better fucking win! LET'S GO BLUE!

Shit About Shit by Kieran Tintle

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