We Own You

"The government is out of control."  Chances are if you live in this country and aren't comatose, you've heard someone say something like this recently.  It seems like everybody whose anybody just has to bitch about the state of government and how it's ruining all our lives.  It's more fashionable than ever to label yourself either "libertarian" or the even more pretentious term "pro-liberty."  And while I find a good deal of the "Don't Tread on Me" crowd to be the snooty hipsters of the political world, they have valid points.  Government is corrupt.  Government is toxic.  Government does do stupid things.

My problem with this sort of attitude is that it's just what a certain group of people in this country want to hear.  They get a real kick out of seeing honest working class people, elderly people, and idealistic young people railing against corruption in Washington.  It fills them with all the joy that a brand new Flesh Light does any adult male on Christmas morning.  They love it because it takes the attention off them.  Of course the group I'm referring to is the 100% honest, never corrupt, always dependable BIG BUSINESS. 

Sure politicians in Washington at the moment are possibly more inept than they've ever been.  Government agencies waste millions of dollars a year on needless and sometimes shady endeavors.  But what is the goal of government?  No matter how short it falls on a daily basis, the goal of the United States government is basically to make life better for the people.  The goal for big business is profit.  I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking I've over-simplified the matter.  Yes.  Yes I have, and thank you for noticing.  I've done that because it's that simple.  Big Business has never and will never give a fuck about an ordinary citizen if he or she is interfering with the bottom line.  Period, end of story.  

So the next time you feel compelled to shout about how the government is destroying the country, keep in mind that we are moving closer to Corporate Statism than we are Socialism.  If you don't believe me, take a look around the mall.  Better yet just take a look into Mitt Romney's soulless eyes.

Is It Just Me?

Maybe this post is just an excuse for me to talk about my deep and unabashed love for 90's Nickelodeon, but I'd like to think there's a little more to it than that.

Every generation sings the same tired song. Movies were better made when they were young, music had more soul when they were growing up, their pot was way better than the shit kids smoke today. Every generation seems to enjoy boasting about how much better it was back then while simultaneously raining on the parade of anyone younger than them. While relatively harmless, it can be more than a little annoying to hear from older people how great the 1950s were. There's always the "Well that's because you were white, asshole" comment on the tip of your tongue.

There is one thing, however, that I will not apologize for being ageist about, and that's my belief that children's television programming just has taken a significant turn for the worst over the past fifteen years.

Now I'm not going to sit here and claim that I watch a ton of current children's programming, but every once in awhile I'll stumble across something on Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel. I watched an entire episode of Wizards of Waverly Place with my girlfriend a few weeks back for some unknown reason. While far from an expert, it's not difficult to see why the shows of my youth were so much better. It's not because I grew up with them, it's because they were more intelligently written, they had adult themes, and they didn't talk down to us!

Think about some of the shows on Nickelodeon from 1991-1998. Salute Your Shorts, Pete and Pete, Rocko's Modern Life, Hey Arnold, Rugrats. What do all these shows have in common? THEY CHALLENGED AUTHORITY! Salute Your Shorts was a show about young teens trying to outwit a semi-fascist camp counselor. Pete and Pete was about two odd brothers living in a suburban town and was set to an early 90's indie rock soundtrack. Rocko's Modern Life was a few f-bombs away from being a show on "Adult Swim." Hey Arnold was about inner-city kids who lived more like street kids from the 1940's than the 1990's, and Rugrats was a show centered around a rebel baby who led his faithful followers against the tyranny of bedtimes, potty training, and his own sadistic cousin. That's some heavy shit!

What do we have today? We have shows about wizard families who all love each other. We have shows about pop stars who have secret identities. We have ICarly. I really don't think it's me romanticizing my youth here. I think maybe these shows just suck.

Look, there are other important lessons to teach kids besides just challenging authority. Dignity, respect for others, and simple kindness are all well and good. But would it hurt to throw a little badassness into the pot? I think not.

One Giant Surprise

Where do I begin with this team? By now we all know the story. A typical mediocre Giants team was on its way to another subpar season. The coach was already being replaced with Bill Cowher and their defensive coordinator was going to be shown the door the moment the clock expired in week 17. Then Eli Manning threw a pass to Victor Cruz from the end zone. It was just enough for a first down. Victor Cruz made the catch. Then in one beautiful split second he decided enough was enough. This was an explosive team and he was going to prove it. He somehow dodged two Jets and sped down the sideline as noted fat fuck Rex Ryan watched in disbelief. The Giants had been awakened.

Total domination of Dallas, Atlanta, and even Green Bay followed. Then it was San Francisco. I watched that game with the kind of nervous tension that I usually reserve for November Yankee baseball. Slowly but surely I began to think that maybe this team wasn't destined to go to Indianapolis. It was a good run and I was proud of them. Then we were blessed enough to be introduced to MVP Kyle Williams.

I have confidence about Sunday but I am anything but cocky about it. I hear so many Giants fans already making plans for the parade. Please stop. Don't fuck this up.

As I'm sure you can guess this post is not an attempt to scientifically analyze the Giants' improbable run. It's more of a love letter. This run has been one of the most exciting rides I've ever experienced in sports. It's filled the tri-state area with excitement. I even salute the fair-weather Giants fans that have come out of the woodwork. Let's all enjoy this and not judge! What's more, let's all be grateful we're not Jet fans.

Whatever happens tomorrow, I will be proud of this team and grateful for the fun they brought to my life during a difficult time. That being said, they better fucking win! LET'S GO BLUE!

Shit About Shit by Kieran Tintle

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President Pussywhipped

It seems to be a fairly common remark made these days to people who voted for Barack Obama in 2008: "I bet you regret it." Well that depends...

If you're a Republican and you mean that we should regret not voting for a borderline senile old man and a woman who LITERALLY believes that dinosaurs and human beings co-existed and is currently shopping a reality show, then no I don't regret voting for Obama. If you're actually approaching it from a nonpartisan angle, then yes I might regret it.

Unlike many people I know, I'm fairly reasonable when it comes to my politics. While I admit that I have very strong opinions, I am by no means an ideologue incapable of even considering an opposing viewpoint. I'm also not above admitting when a person I support comes up short.

President Obama has certainly come up short in his first year of office. His attempts at bipartisanship sure looked good on paper, but like virtually all pussy Democrats he failed to realize that the Republicans don't want to be his friends. Several Republicans have even gone on record as saying that they will automatically oppose any Obama idea no matter what it is. At this point Obama could propose a bill to deliver Christmas presents to orphan children and Glenn Beck would label it communism. The health care bill has been watered down over and over again, and still it's being called socialist. But instead of getting angry and calling out the other side on their obvious lies and hypocrisy on voting rules, Obama is content to rely on his best friends in the media to do that for him. Earth to Obama: THAT'S YOUR JOB! Obama's desire to be all things to all people is the only sure way to mean nothing to anybody.

But do I regret voting for him? It's hard to say. I didn't vote for him under the assumption that he would get into office and really change much of anything. I voted for him because the Republican party has become a sickening joke hellbent on turning this country into a theocracy. The thought of another four years from a party that gave us eight years of George W. Bush (and then tried to pretend that never happened) was enough to make me vote for Homer Simpson before I voted for a Republican.

I'm not ashamed to admit I like Obama on a personal level. Is he a typical politician? You bet. Still, he's not a son of privilege, and he's not a religious fanatic. I actually do believe he has good intentions. I'd just like to see him produce. He's taking the left for granted while taking it in the ass from the right.

I might vote for Obama again in 2012 if he actually shows some balls between now and then. If he doesn't, I'll do what I did in the NJ Governor race and vote Independent. And to all my conservative friends, let me say this: People who voted for Obama are disappointed in him because he's too much like you, not because he's too liberal, so get over yourselves :)

My Top 10 All-Time Albums

This list is not my opinion, it is 100% certifiable fact.

Alright, so it is just an opinion. Listening to the new Against Me! album, "White Crosses," that was just leaked has reminded me how amazing it feels when you fall in love with an album on first listen and can't stop listening no matter how hard you try. My taste in music is about as diverse as it gets, so I doubt anyone will agree with any two on this list, but nonetheless, I present my Top 10 favorite Albums of all time:

10. "Modern Artillery" by The Living End

As sick as I am of this band (thanks mostly to an overzealous fanboy who doubles as a guitarist in my band), I simply cannot deny the brilliance of this album. Amazing musicianship coupled with ridiculously memorable and exciting hooks make this a truly epic album.

Standout Track: "Maitland Street"



9. "Cool to Be You" by The Descendents

The founding fathers of nerd-rock (eat your heart out Weezer) truly struck gold with this 2004 release. This album has something for every kind of music fan. Poppy songs, hardcore songs, and hilarious songs make this album a breath of fresh air. It's also best enjoyed during the summer. Let's hope they get back into the studio sometime this century.

Standout Track: "Maddie"



8. "Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too" by New Radicals

This short lived vanity project of Gregg Alexander managed to create a masterpiece with their first and only album in 1998. Songs that are as heartbreaking as they are uplifting land this album on my list. Plus it doesn't hurt that the album includes my favorite song of all time.

Standout Track: "You Get What You Give"



7. "Indestructible" by Rancid

What can I possibly say about the album that changed my life forever? Long story short, I was on an immersion trip in West Virginia when I was 16, and lost the booklet with all my Cd's in it (yes we used Walkmans back then). This kid let me borrow the one Cd he had with him, and it happened to be this one. I must have listened to it 15 times through driving back to Jersey in the van. Let's put it this way: I never repurchased the Good Charlotte Cd I lost. I was hooked on real punk rock from then on. If one album changed my life, this was it.

Standout Track: "Start Now"



6. "Yes, Virginia" by The Dresden Dolls

The Dresden Dolls are just about the only good thing to ever come out of Boston, and this album is extraordinary. How a woman playing a piano and a guy playing drums can create this kind of magic baffles me. This is probably the most original album I've ever heard, both musically and lyrically, and the songs will break your heart and terrify you at the same time. Hey, I got the cover tattooed on me, so I'm not bullshitting.

Standout Track: "Shores of California"



5. "The War on Errorism" by NOFX

While Green Day get the credit for leading the punk rock charge against George W. Bush, it was really NOFX that got the ball rolling. If "American Idiot" was a slap in the face to conservative America, then this album was a hard kick in the groin. Fat Mike rails against everything from politicians to the punk rock scene, and most importantly, never forgets to be funny.

Standout Track: "Idiots Are Taking Over"



4. "Streetcore" by Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros

I'm convinced that only Joe Strummer could have put out a half finished, posthumous album and have it be a masterpiece. "Streetcore," released a year after his tragic death in 2002, is one fucking hell of an album. The vocals are as reflective as they are raspy, and as always with a Joe Strummer song, you can't help but hang on every word. Also, Strummer's jubilant and seemingly defiant shout of "Let it Roll!" or "Rock and Roll!" (I'm still not sure which) at the end of the song "Coma Girl" is enough to bring a tear to even the most hardcore punk rocker's eye.

Standout Track: "Coma Girl"



3. "London Calling" by The Clash

Speaking of the late Joe Strummer, this album is a must have for any real rock and roller's collection. The Clash proved they were more than just a scrappy three-chord punk band with this totally original and seminal album. But besides the obvious significance of this album, it's just pure fun, which sadly is sometimes a rarity in the rock world. Truly one of the greatest albums ever produced.

Standout Track: "Lost in the Supermarket"



2. "American Idiot" by Green Day

While it has numerous detractors (some of whom make decent points), to me this will always be the definitive rock album of the 2000's and possibly even my generation. Fuck the concept album part of it, the bottom line is that these are just some FANTASTIC songs. While it often gets labeled as a political album, it's really so much more than that. It also gave new life to an aging and seemingly over the hill band that is now once again on top of the world.

Standout Track: "Jesus of Suburbia"



1. "Let it Be" by The Beatles

C'mon, did you really think I wouldn't include a Beatles album? Truth be told, I could have made the entire list from Beatle albums alone, but that wouldn't have been very interesting. I often waffle on my favorite Beatles album. "Magical Mystery Tour," "The White Album," and "Abbey Road" are all up there, but when I really think about it, this tops them all. Perfect from start to finish, "Let it Be" was recorded during the most tumultuous period in the history of The Beatles, and maybe that's what made it so great. However if you're going to buy this album, try to purchase the "Naked" version which is devoid of Phil Spector's "Wall of Sound" bullshit.

Standout Track: "Across the Universe"



Well there you have it. I'm sure you won't agree with most of this, so please give me some feedback in the comment section. If I listed an album on here that you haven't heard, and sounds interesting, then please go and check it out. I wouldn't steer you wrong, cuties!

This Party is Lame

A certain friend of mine loves to tease me about my stance on political parties. While he tends to agree with me on many issues, he seems to find it childish that I don't belong to the Democratic Party. I feel the opposite way. I feel that belonging to any political party is about as childish as it gets.

Political parties are nothing more than a slightly more mature version of the childhood cliques we all had when we were in school. The instinct to seek out comradery among like-minded people is a perfectly natural one. The problem is, it wasn't good enough to just have a group of people you could talk to and associate yourself with, but it was almost mandatory to demonize the other cliques. Anyone different from you was automatically less human, and thus worthy of ridicule. Most of us outgrew that phase. Why can't we outgrow political parties?

Now let me be very clear. I'm not talking exclusively about Democrats and Republicans, so wipe the smirk off your face, Green Partiers and Tea Partiers. I'm also not saying that you shouldn't vote for a candidate from a certain party. What I'm saying is that you should vote based on the human being and not the letter next to the candidate's name. It seems like a simple enough concept, but for some reason it's a difficult one for many Americans to grasp.